


Always a Never Again

by Jacynon



Category: Lego Ninjago, The LEGO Ninjago Movie (2017)
Genre: Accidental Death, Aftermath of Violence, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Emetophobia, Gore, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-04-14 14:45:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14138229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacynon/pseuds/Jacynon
Summary: Lloyd doesn't remember ever seeing flies up this high before, and he doesn't know why they're sticking to the sides of his own face, completely ignoring the rotting head in his hands.





	1. Forward Strides

**Author's Note:**

> I have this whole fic mapped out and I'm so excited to write it
> 
> Here are the first 2 chapters, this is mostly just setup tbh. I'll probably have more up either later today or tomorrow. I might end up switching around or adding some tags as I go on, depending on what direction I take with the individual chapters, but yeah. also these chapters are going to be like. whatever length, honestly. I don't have a set length for each chapter so some might be much shorter or longer than others.
> 
> all that being said I'd say to enjoy but this is mostly vent material so Shrugging Emoji

Running errands for Mistaké isn't usually so exciting.

Lloyd tends to just search for various plants and herbs that are harder to come across than most, or to watch over her shop for her while she's gone, but things are different this time around. And he's definitely welcoming the change. Sitting around with nothing to do has never been the easiest for him. Maybe it's a little terrible of him to like it when something or someone is under attack just because it gives him work, and he knows he should be appreciating peace more than he does, but he can't help growing restless and paranoid when his mind isn't focused on an immediate threat.

So, when Mistaké had called him urgently and requested he retrieve a stolen bottle of what she'd called the Elixir of Resurrection, he jumped at the chance to fight off some bandits.

"One elixir for the beautiful young lady, coming right up!" he exclaims dramatically when he sets the vessel onto the counter.

She gives a small giggle and a tight smile, then shakes her head. "Well, aren't you a charmer?"

He looks around her shop and smiles at the familiarity it brings him. It hasn't changed much over the years and, quite frankly, neither has Mistaké. Everything has a polished yet antique look, boxes aligned neatly on the shelves without a speck of dust to be seen. He can appreciate how much pride she takes in her work, even if he'd only thought of her as a cranky old woman at the start. She definitely _is_ a cranky old woman, but there's a lot more to her than that.

Peaking over the counter as she fumbles around with her belongings, he raises an eyebrow. "What is it about that thing that's so important?" he asks, eyeing the glass in her hand. "And I thought you only sold tea, anyway."

Even though he'd been the one to get it back for her, he still doesn't know much about it. It's a dark blue, almost black liquid, seeming just slightly thicker than water. It looks much like a potion bottle from a video game, capped off with a cork and everything.

Her movements stop and she places the elixir back on the counter-top. "Well, the elixir is _essentially_ tea, but you wouldn't want to drink it hot," she says jokingly, and he briefly wonders what _would_ happen if you were to drink it hot, but she continues before he thinks to ask. "Would you buy something labeled 'cold tea'?"

He winces at that wording, but he sees where she's coming from. "I guess not."

"I only have a handful. One bottle of the Elixir of Resurrection could bring a newly deceased or dying body back from the dead!" she explains, holding it up for him to marvel at.

And marvel, he definitely does. "Woah, what?" he figured it was something similar to that, considering its name, but hearing the confirmation is still surprising. "Is that true?"

"Of course. That is the intended effect, at least."

"There've gotta be...like, limitations on that, though. Aren't there?"

What does _newly deceased_ even entail? Just for how long would it work, and how? He's not sure he'll be getting straight answers from her, but his curiosity is more than piqued.

She thinks for a moment and then nods in understanding. "It certainly depends on cause of death and severity," and he feels a little bit better about that, for some reason. Maybe because it gives the concoction some merit, even though he doesn't normally doubt the effectiveness of what Mistaké gives him. "You wouldn't use it on someone who's been dead for years unless you want a walking corpse on your hands. I will admit that it's something relatively new I've cooked up."

That makes him a bit worried, though. Especially with the nonchalant way she's describing bringing back a dead person. "Oh, so you haven't tried it before?"

"Would you like to?"

He doesn't even really understand what she's asking him at first.

It takes him a moment to respond, but he blinks at her in confusion and shakes his head. "Sorry, what?"

All she does is laugh, then turns around and pulls out yet another bottle. Before he knows it, she's handing them to him. Though, it's more like she's shoving them in his hands. "Take them, dear. A gift from me to you," she leans forward and puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder, her crooked fingers always a lot more firm than he expects them to be. "I imagine they'll come in handy."

The cryptic nature of her words doesn't register in his mind entirely, not when he's so overwhelmed with the responsibility sitting in his arms. "A - Are you sure?"

"Young Lloyd Garmadon, I trust your judgement. I know you will use them wisely," she explains, and he can't help the tiny grin that paints his face at the praise. But she suddenly gets a stern expression and her tone rapidly changes. "And if you don't, I'll _never_ give you my tea again."

Even though he laughs and her expression softens, he knows she's not joking.

"Thank you. I won't let you down."


	2. (I Hope) It's Already Too Late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry mom

It's not often that Lloyd gets to spar with Wu.

He thinks it's nice, considering the fact that they rarely if ever get to spend time together. It's not as if they're relaxing or passing the time away, but Lloyd's learning that he likes relaxing less and less as time goes on. Training is something of a normal bonding activity for the two of them. It was either this, or help Wu and Nya work on the other half of their new monastery, and Lloyd likes to leave the architectural work to the people who actually know what they're doing.

Being around Wu isn't so frustrating when things are peaceful, at least.

Wu isn't perfect by any stretch, but he's at least a parental figure who hasn't _abandoned_ him, and who'd first shown him acceptance, and -

Yeah, he's just going to forget all about that line of thinking.

He places his katana back on the wall and watches as Wu does the same. "I'm not the best at using these," rubbing his neck sheepishly, he takes a seat next to his bag. "Swords are more of Kai's thing."

"The Golden Ninja should learn to fight with any weapon."

Lloyd groans.

But, taking another look at the leather sack he'd been carrying around all day, he suddenly gasps. "Sensei Wu, I have to show you something!" he unzips it, then shuffles around until he finds what he's looking for. "I busted some bandits for Mistaké earlier and she gave me _these_."

Right after saying that, he holds both bottles up in one hand, gripping the necks by his fingers and grinning. He'd totally forgotten about showing Wu by the time he'd gotten back to their new home, having been distracted by his weapon training, but he remembers it being one of the first things he'd wanted to do once he'd walked out of the tea shop. He figures he'll tell the others afterward, wanting his sensei to know about it beforehand. The more he's thought about it, the more he realizes how the elixirs could come in handy.

It's not like it'd be abnormal for any one of them to be in life-threatening situations. Maybe not too many dire enough to warrant the use of something like an immediate resurrection, but you can never be too prepared. Or too careful.

"Oh?"

"She calls it the _Elixir of Resurrection_ ," Lloyd explains excitedly. "She gave me two! It's supposed to bring a recently dead or dying person back to life."

Wu's eyebrows raise and he seems interested, if slightly pleased, clearly holding back his own enthusiasm with a natural skepticism. "Is that true?"

Lloyd won't pretend he hasn't been wondering about the effectiveness since he'd received it. Even though he got more information out of her than he'd ever expected to, and than she'd normally given him or anyone else about her tea, he still barely knows what to think of it or when would be right or wrong to use it. Still, he thinks Wu should know that by now, and that questioning Mistaké is a bit weird for the old man to be doing.

He shrugs and rubs the back of his head. "Well, I'm only going off of what she told me," staring back at the bottles, he shifts them around a bit, noticing how the liquid swims around and oddly doesn't even seem to coat the bottle, despite its dark tinge. "She said it's experimental - but, y'know, Mistaké hasn't steered us wrong with this kind of thing before."

Wu's expression shifts in suspicion.

"That may be true, but I'm skeptical about possibly using something so drastic if we're unsure about its authenticity."

Lloyd's face falls after hearing that.

"I guess that makes sense," he hesitantly agrees, but feels a bit uneasy. "But, I mean, what are we gonna do? It's not like we can just test it out, or something."

How would they even do that? The most obvious option is just about the last thing he wants to do, but he assumes Wu isn't suggesting that. That leaves him pretty lost. It might be a lot more serious than he's realizing - the fact that he's essentially putting someone else's or even his own future life into the possible hands of a drink he's not even sure is going to work - but he'd previously come the conclusion that the benefits would in most cases outweigh the risks. Now, he's not so sure.

His worries are made tangible when his sensei responds, "Actually, Lloyd, that's a wonderful idea."

He's so off-put by that response that he doesn't even have the sense to do a double-take.

"What?"

"If we intend to use it, we should ensure that it works. Don't you agree?"

A few seconds pass and Lloyd tries laughing it off awkwardly, not liking the air of dread he's beginning to feel.

"I mean, that sounds nice in theory and all," he begins jokingly. "What am I supposed to do, though? Just kill someone and then bring them back with one of these?"

The idea on its own makes him kind of sick. He's never exactly been a fan of death, and he wonders if this is just something they can drop and never talk about again. He's just about ready to go back to Mistaké's shop and throw the bottles right back at her, just for the sake of not having to think about this conversation again.

He starts to feel a little better when Wu laughs like the idea is absurd - which, it is, "Of course not," but he doesn't have the time to be relieved before his master continues. "You should try it on yourself."

Of course, Lloyd has no way of properly reacting to that.

Confused anger starts to build up inside of him.

His head starts shaking from side to side before he can even verbalize the answer. He gets it. He gets the idea, obviously, just like all the other times he's understood Wu's less favorable, ' _for the greater good'_ actions. They've got two bottles and don't even know if it works, so the idea of using one and saving the other for an emergency makes the smallest bit of logical sense.

But Lloyd doesn't care how much sense it makes, because he suddenly gets the feeling that the risks really _aren't_ worth it, in that case. "Sensei Wu, I don't like where you're going with this. Please tell me you're joking. I'm - I'm not going to just...kill myself to test this out. That's what you're suggesting, right? I don't even _want_ to use them, if that's what I've gotta do," he resolves to putting the bottles back in the bag and standing up, though he still gets the feeling of being small and afraid. It's more for the sake of appearing as though he's the opposite.

He's hoping that can be the end of the conversation.

"Now, you're going to pass up a useful asset like this out of fear? If you're unable to do it yourself, I can help you."

Lloyd wants to question what he means by that.

But without warning, Wu grabs one of the blades back from the notches on the wall.

It barely even registers in Lloyd's mind what his master is doing. He assumes he's only able to react so quickly because they'd just been sparring each other, and Wu takes on a similar stance to the one he'd had before. But it doesn't _feel_ like sparring. Lloyd didn't feel as though his life was actually in danger just seconds before this.

Lloyd ducks the swinging metal that's clearly coming for his head and his brain starts to burn and hurt from the grating on the slatted wall behind him.

He feels himself screaming in the back of his mind that his master is _trying to kill him_ and he takes the same katana he'd just been using from the wall, backing away and still refusing to swing in either offense or defense as he narrowly misses the flurry in front of him. He'd never have expected this would be the outcome of his simple errand, of showing his master what he'd thought to be simple and helpful in the long run, for something they'd deal with in the future.

He lets out a sharp yell when he feels the blade nick his side, cutting just deep enough to make him bleed and he holds his lower stomach in surprise.

It's after this that he finally starts to block the attacks instead of just dodging them. "What are you doing?" he demands, his yelling raspy and rushed and strained. "Master Wu! What are you doing? Why are you acting like this?"

Wu doesn't make an effort to respond, but he doesn't really get the chance to.

Lloyd panics in an attempt to avoid a head-on attack and thrusts his sword forward for the first time.

It's the first and last, because he hits flesh.

Time stops on its tracks as Lloyd stares into the shocked face of his master. He brings his eyes down to see his own hands shaking on the hilt and the majority of the blade pierced deep within Wu's abdomen, the red end of it sticking out the other side.

He doesn't have the sense to think straight and quickly pulls the katana out, letting it fall to the floor with a loud _clang_ and he hisses as he sucks in air through his gritted teeth because there's _so much blood._ He can't see Wu's face as the old man lies on the ground, barely twitching, as his last few labored breaths cut through the air and leave him. The red puddle reaches Lloyd's feet and he takes a few steps back as if touching it would burn him. His heart is pounding in his chest and he feels his eyes start watering - not because he's about to cry at the fact that he's just murdered his master, he's far too deep in shock to fully comprehend that - but because of how long he's been holding them wide open.

_The elixirs._

He remembers the elixirs.

In a rushing panic, he steps through the sticky blood and quickly picks up his bag. He hadn't realized he never closed it.

The rapid movement makes the first two things at the top of his bag fly out and he reaches for them in vain, unable to react in time.

Those happen to be _both_ containers of the elixir.

He watches in awed horror as they land just a foot or so away. The glass shatters on the floor and the contents begin seeping into the wooden floor.

It's after this that he drops his hands to his sides and his shoulders go limp.

He's left in empty silence, in a room with his master and the man he's just murdered, both one and the same.

Lloyd falls to his knees with a dull _thump_ and stares, and stares, and stares some more.

For what feels like hours, he just stares


	3. Low Light

Maybe Lloyd doesn't have a lot of experience with alcohol, but he doesn't really care, because the more he drinks the less he feels.

That's not entirely true.

He still _feels_. In fact, it might all be even more intense than normal, but saké puts a buzz in his mind that makes it so he can barely even register that he's feeling anything at all even when he's crying his eyes out. Like he's feeling while not feeling. Like he's alive and dead at the same time, as well. It gives him a rush and makes him feel both better and worse, despite knowing which is going to eventually win out once he gets to be too far gone.

The only problem being the fact that he already feels too far gone.

He's just glad that Kai's here, even if the Red Ninja has absolutely no idea what's happened.

What Lloyd's done.

The world around him is a faulty green haze and he knows it's the guilt whispering in his ear. Not the guilt he feels about the deed itself, but the guilt he feels at his lack of guilt. He wonders if there's something wrong with him. Really wrong. Really, seriously wrong. And he thinks that there's gotta be.

There's gotta be.

"We're all upset about Wu disappearing, but we can't give up hope!" Kai's voice is muffled in his ears as he lies his head down on the counter, covering himself up with his arms. "Come on, man, this isn't like you. It's a lot more like me, actually."

The comparison makes him laugh a little too hard, and it's a dumb laugh that quickly devolves into sobbing, even though he can't muster up any more tears. He doesn't even care that Kai's seeing him like this, the wreck that he's acting, because he's far too focused on the flashes of red and the blood he can still see on his arms, even though he's long since cleaned it up. It just isn't going away. No matter how raw he scrubs his skin, it isn't going away.

His breath is quick and erratic as he stares at his hands, then places them to his face. Black eyes creep out from beneath his fingers and he holds himself. "It's my fault. All my...all my fault."

He knows Kai won't jump to the right conclusion. His immediate confused comforting makes Lloyd feel worse and the hand on his back feels like a death sentence that he knows he deserves. "What? It's not your fault. Look, I feel guilty that I wasn't there to stop whoever took him, too, but beating ourselves up about it isn't gonna help us find him."

_Find him._

"You won't," Lloyd chokes out. "You won't find him."

"You're right. _We_ will find him."

It's agony.

Barely a day's passed since Wu's allegedly gone missing, all evidence of his whereabouts erased from the world. Lloyd's done his damnedest to make sure no one saw him, to make sure he'd gotten rid of it all and cleaned everything as best he could, and yet he's still paranoid. He's expecting the police to come knocking on the monastery door and take him away, or one of his teammates to confront him about it, and he's not even sure if he'd be able to keep it a secret if questioned.

_He deserved it, anyway._

_Not like Lloyd did anything wrong._

Lloyd wants to vomit.

"Kai? Is Lloyd with you right now?"

He gasps, then mucus gets caught in his throat, and he starts coughing uncontrollably.

Because that's his mom's voice. _His mom._

He hears the door open and her footsteps across the creaking floor, each one that gets closer making his anxiety spike higher. His head feels like it's on fire and thoughts run through his head of _why is she here_ and _she can't know_ , because he's more than aware of how much his mother loved - _loves_ \- Wu. She's not exactly subtle about it. And if she were to learn about what he'd done? Well, he can't imagine his reasoning would matter. He'd have killed one of the men she loved.

The ensuing conversation between his mother and Kai passes like something out of a dream.

"Misako, you have no idea how happy I am to see you," the traitor sounds relieved. _Yeah,_ Lloyd thinks, _get rid of me. Push me onto someone else, just like how everyone else does_. And then he feels like garbage for thinking that, because he knows that's not the type of thing Kai would do. "Lloyd's...had a lot to drink."

Lloyd hisses and speaks in a slurred mumble, "Called my mom?"

"Sorry, buddy."

 _You're not sorry_ , is what he doesn't say, and definitely not with the biting tone he knows he wants to use.

"I'm glad you did. Thank you, Kai. If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone with him."

"Gotcha," with one last pat to Lloyd's back, he apologetically waves as he heads for the exit. "See you later, man."

Lloyd hopes Kai doesn't take too personally the fact that he kind of hates the guy right now.

He doesn't have much time to dwell on that hatred, though. His stomach's been churning all night - all day - all evening - whatever time it is, he doesn't really know or care at this point. The light of the dining hall is the only one he sees, after all. It's blinding and yet at the same time makes him want to fall asleep, a white haze beating down on him, and he thinks he'll be alright if he can get to his bed without throwing all his insides up.

Unfortunately, his body doesn't seem to agree with him, and he immediately knows he's not going to make it once he makes the effort to stand from his chair. He holds his stomach and stumbles forward. "Gonna puke."

Hurrying herself over, Misako does what she can to steady him and he leans into her. "Let's go into the bathroom, Lloyd. Are you alright with that?"

He doesn't respond, only lets her guide him, and he feels it come up even before they get there. Rushing a hand up to cover his mouth, some leaks through his teeth and onto the floor.

And, as his mother holds his hair back, he kneels over the toilet and continues to violently empty his stomach.

It's the sound of his own retching that sticks in his ears and worms its way into his head. Is it natural for his puke to be bloody and almost black? He hasn't gotten drunk before, doesn't remember the last time he'd thrown up from any other circumstances. He just feels like he's got a poison in him that he needs to get out, like he's full of nothing but bile and mud, and that his only option is to turn himself inside out. It's as if he'll never be clean again. Maybe he won't. Maybe he's tainted himself to an unrecognizable point and there's nothing that can fix the mess he's made.

Is he even himself, at this point?

His sinuses burn and feel full of puke, and he's muttering in a hushed, crying whisper before he identifies it as his own voice. "It's real bad. It's so bad."

Misako sounds like an angel, the only thing able to ground him to reality. "Tell me how you're feeling."

"I feel bad, mom," he responds, weak and dreary. "I wanna die."

"Why...do you want to die?"

"'Cause it's my fault."

The words come spilling out of him as he clutches the porcelain and - well, look at that - it turns out he _is_ able to cry some more. He doesn't even know how he's been able to speak, how he's brought himself to have coherent thought. His mind feels as though it's moving at a mile a minute and he just can't focus on anything. His eyes go even more blurry than before and he starts to hiccup and heave. Everything feels so _wrong_ and it's felt like it's been wrong for a lot longer than he's realized.

Her voice somehow gets more gentle than before. "What's your fault?"

He doesn't even stop to think about it, doesn't even wonder about the consequences of telling her the truth, because it eats away at him so deeply that he's sure he'll just end up dead if he doesn't tell someone. "Wu," he starts, taking deep breaths and avoiding eye contact with her. "He didn't...didn't disappear. He's dead. He's dead, mom."

She gives a quick huff and her fingers behind his head tense up. "Dead?" she asks, and he hates her disbelieving tone. "How...how do you know that?"

"I did it!" he yells, spitting into the water below him and bringing one hand to scratch up at his head. "I killed him! I killed him, mom, I killed - "

Before he can continue on his tirade, she's petting the back of his hair and shushing him and talking over him. She has to know somehow that he'll never stop if he's given the chance to start and he lowers his own offending hand. "Lloyd, please. Please, calm down. What happened? Just," she stops herself, like she's attempting to be the mediator for herself at the same time as for Lloyd. "Please, tell me what happened."

He pauses.

Then, it all comes out.

He explains everything to her in better chronological detail than he even accurately remembers. It'd all been something of a blur when it happened, so he doesn't even know how he's able to be so calm while going over it. He feels empty when he describes how he'd done Wu in, since it's not as if he can feel worse than he already does. All throughout it, his mother stays silent and allows him to speak, even though he chokes and spits and coughs in the middle over and over.

It only dawns on him what he's just done when he finishes and sits there, and she doesn't respond for some time. He knows in the back of his mind that it's a lot to take in, that she's probably just processing it all, but he's not in the state to think rationally and he jumps to the worst conclusion.

"You know, now," he starts with sorrowful terror. He feels his heart start pounding hard in his chest and he's too alarmed by the downward spiral he knows he's going through. "God, you're gonna tell the others, aren't you? You can't. You can't tell them! I'll - I'll kill you, too, if you do!"

He doesn't know where the threat comes from. Mostly, he just worries that he's a threat to everyone around him. Now that he's killed once, what's going to stop him from killing again?

Misako sighs and hugs his shoulders from behind and his hair falls back into his face, some of it sticking to the saliva on his cheeks. He doesn't care too much, though, since he knows there's not much left in him to vomit up. "You're not going to do that, Lloyd," she tries to keep herself steady, but he can see even through his drunken stupor and his peripheral vision that the color's completely drained from her face. "Look at you, sweetie. You _k_ \- you killed someone in self-defense and you're still a wreck. I know you don't want to hurt people."

He leans back into her and holds her arms in an awkward hug. "Y - You don't know anything about me," he responds, but there's no hostility to it.

That, at least, makes her laugh. Misako shifts herself beside him rather than behind and then takes his head in her hands. For just a moment, she brings their foreheads together and gives him a pained smile, one that he appreciates more than anything else she's ever done for him in his life. "Well, I'd certainly hope that I do," the joke is humorless, but he almost feels it tug at the corners of his mouth. "We're going to get through this. _You're_ going to get through this."

She then pulls him closer and he feels much like the child he never got to be, a crying mess in his mother's arms, and he nearly feels content for that single moment. The world he's in and the situation he's made for himself are still on his mind and still making him want to do something drastic, but those emotions are temporarily put on the back-burner while he feels Misako's warmth.

When he speaks up again, his tone is flat and he can't bring himself to put any energy into his voice. "Are things going to be okay, mom?"

He doesn't know if he wants her to reply honestly, but he's well aware that she's the type of person who will regardless. "I don't know about that, honey," she says, and he feels nothing, only hugs her tighter. "I don't know."


	4. Quick but Not Quite Painless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bold of anyone to assume I actually know what I'm doing with this fic
> 
> also fun fact: pretty much all of these chapter titles come from songs I listen to while writing

Kai doesn't remember the last time he was so worried about Lloyd.

Actually, he does. It was when Morro had possessed him, hands down. But, Kai isn't totally sure that counts, because he at least had someone specific to blame in that instance. Now, he's not even sure about _that_.

The thing is, it's usually Lloyd who keeps it together, Lloyd who does his best to maintain everyone's focus. It's not Lloyd who gets chaotically emotional and distressed and who shuts down, so seeing him do exactly that at a situation they've more or less dealt with countless times before has put Kai into an overly protective state. He can't understand what's different about this time, though considering how Lloyd had just recently lost his own father, Kai can only imagine how tough it is to deal with Wu suddenly going missing. He's not even sure how he'd react to that in the same situation.

He just didn't know it'd be _this_ bad.

That's his main reason behind taking the initiative.

He figures that the sooner they find Wu, the sooner things can go back to normal. That's why he's called the boys and stopped his sister in the middle of her work so that they can have a much needed team meeting.

He'd even managed to drag Lloyd out of bed for it. And he'd be more concerned about the fact that it's well past noon and the guy _still_ wasn't up - like, Lloyd _never_ sleeps in that long - but he's willing to give it a pass this time around. Mostly because Lloyd is laying on the couch with his eyes squinting and an arm covering his face and looking like he wants to either die or kill someone. Ah, hangovers.

As they wait for the others to gather, Kai leans against the wall with his arms crossed and gives Lloyd an amused smile. "How ya feelin'?"

"World's spinning," the _renowned Green Ninja_ grumbles out like a true alcoholic in training and Kai tries not to laugh. Maybe Lloyd can take lessons from Ronin.

"Is this about Wu?"

Cole's the first to speak up once they've all filed in, getting right to the point. Kai figures it makes sense, considering he thinks it's what's been on all of their minds ever since they got the news.

"It is," he responds with a nod, stepping forward so he's able to have all of them in his line of sight. "I think we need to prioritize finding him. I suggest we do a search of the city."

He expects that he'll be questioned, but he doesn't think any of them would have an issue with trying to find Wu. If it's a matter of finding their sensei, he thinks he can't be the only person who's wanted to take more action. Wu's only been gone for a little less than two days, but there's still room for concern, since the circumstances are a bit odd. No witnesses? Nothing left behind? It's really not like Wu to just up and leave without telling anyone or without at least leaving a trace.

It's like he's just completely disappeared.

The next person to speak up is Jay. "Geeze, who died and made _you_ leader?" he asks, but he doesn't say it in an offending tone, more a genuinely inquisitive one as he eyes their _actual_ leader's curled up form.

Kai notices Lloyd tense up at that and winces. Their master might be missing, but he can't be dead. He imagines Lloyd has probably considered that already, though, considering how worried the guy is. And it can be hard to get out of that state of mind once you're in.

He moves to answer before the blonde gets the chance to try. "Lloyd's...not feeling well," he explains vaguely, which only makes the others appear more concerned. Quickly, he tries to change the subject. "Look, I just think things will get better if we find him as quickly as possible."

It was obvious even the night before that Lloyd wasn't all too comfortable with Kai being there while he was essentially having a breakdown, so Kai can only assume that his best friend wouldn't want anyone else to know the details. He's not even sure what would be accomplished if he did tell the others. It might just make them feel even worse to know that their leader is in bad condition, since Lloyd's supposed to be the glue that holds everyone together.

Kai guesses he's just going to have to fill that role, for the time being. As best he can, at least. Definitely easier said than done.

"What should we do? Ask around Ninjago?"

The Red Ninja snaps his fingers, happy to be getting on the right track. "That's a good idea, Zane. Let's split up into two teams and ask around."

He's thankful that the others seem to be more inclined to go alone with it once Zane voices his approval. Family's always been their first priority, and Wu's been included in that from the beginning, so he knows he's not the only one keen to get the old man back. Cole starts to get into his planning mode and says, "Jay, Zane, and I can take the East if you wanna take Nya and Lloyd to search the West," he points to each of them as he speaks, then turns to Kai for his opinion. "That sound good?"

Giving a smile, Kai nods enthusiastically.

"Yeah, that's - " but, then, he stops himself. He turns his attention to the green form shifting on the couch and wonders if he should even say something, decides to speak up regardless of his concerns once he weighs the options. Lowering his voice, Kai tries to be sympathetic without sounding pitiful. "Is...that okay, Lloyd? Did you wanna sit this one out?"

Lloyd seems to seriously consider it, uncovering his eyes and pulling his lips into a tight frown. He gives the group a once-over, staring into their worried faces, and then rubs at his eyes and lowly groans as if he's just made his choice.

Finally, he pulls himself into a sitting position. "No. I'll go."

Kai had a feeling that Lloyd would force himself, but a big part of him is glad that it's happening, if only because he knows the guy has got to feel better just after getting some fresh air. Even if they don't find anything pointing to their master. Though, he's certainly hoping that they do.

He grins, confidence brimming inside of him. "Great. Now, let's find Wu!"

* * *

Searching all over Ninjago, even though it's only half of it, is a lot more taxing than Kai had realized it would be.

He's at least glad that Lloyd's been seeming to get through his hangover as the day's gone on. The green-clad boy doesn't seem to be doing much better in the way of a troubled expression that's practically etched onto his face and the obvious nausea he appears to be dealing with from how he periodically clutches his stomach, but he's at least more coherent and, like, saying full sentences again. That's certainly a start. Kai's going to take what he can get.

Feeling defeated, Kai sits down on the couch next to his silent best friend and imagines everyone else is doing about the same, judging from their grim expressions. A wasted day always puts them all in a bad mood, though Kai wants to believe it wasn't totally in vain. They at least got the word out to pretty much every living human roaming about Ninjago, so he figures their chances of at least one person finding Wu have increased exponentially.

Yeah. That's a good way to look at it.

Good job, Kai.

But, even as he's giving himself a much-needed pat on the back, he can't help but think that things aren't looking too good. He starts to wonder if someone's captured Wu, but what purpose would they have to do that, if not to get something from the ninja? And even then, Wu is more than capable of fending for himself, so he thought there had to be some sign of a struggle if that were the case. The last person who'd seen their master was Lloyd, but even then, evidently hours had passed since they last parted ways. That means anything could have happened, at any time.

He groans internally. Kai's no detective.

At the very least, Jay seems to be just as frustrated as he lets out a loud groan. "No leads!" he exclaims when he sulks in the corner. "We look all across Ninjago and we get zero leads."

Lloyd is the one who responds, bitter and cold. "You really thought we would?"

The Blue Ninja frowns hard. He raises a concerned eyebrow, tone confused and almost offended, but more than anything else apprehensive. "What's even wrong with you, man? You've been out of it all day."

"I told you, Jay," Kai speaks up quickly, shutting down whatever reply Lloyd is desperately trying to come up with. "He isn't feeling well. Lay off."

Before Jay or anyone else can react to that, a loud knock at the door turns all of their heads.

Obviously the only one with any ounce of energy left, Kai makes his way over and running through his mind is a million different possibilities. It's not every day that someone comes to the monastery for any reason other than to ask the ninja for help in some new crisis, so the idea that they might be able to distract themselves isn't something he'd be against. At the same time, he wonders if it's someone coming to say that they've found Wu. That would be ideal. Wholly unlikely, but ideal.

He's not really sure which of the two he's expecting more.

But when he opens the door, he _doesn't_ expect to see Skylor.

"Hey."

He's so surprised that he doesn't even respond at first.

She looks as good as the last time he'd seen her - which is to say, amazing - and he vaguely remembers hearing about her and her team's current residence in Ninjago city. He just hasn't had the time to pop in and say hi. Or, maybe he's been avoiding doing just that. After all, he's still been debating on whether or not he actually _wants_ to see her. It's not like he's about to pretend he's totally over everything that's happened between them. Like, sure - he's forgiven her and all - but that doesn't mean he has to be happy about it.

What throws him off, though, is her expression. He has a hard time focusing on her presence in general when she looks like she's just seen a ghost.

It really looks like all the color's just been drained from her face.

He finally clears his throat, noticing just then that she's been standing there for around two minutes while he's just been creepily staring. Nice. "Uh, hey."

It seems as though her eyes are only getting darker by the second, and he doesn't even have time to worry about his own lame response. She definitely doesn't notice or acknowledge it. He's not sure what's gotten her so troubled, but it appears only to be getting worse. "You guys...have been looking for your master, right?"

For the first time since Wu's disappeared, Kai feels a spark of hope bubble inside of him. He doesn't even care about his hangups regarding Skylor after hearing that.

His excitement bleeds into his voice as he grins at her. "Yeah, we have! Do you know where he is?"

The way her eyes snap up to him and then lower to the ground in what he can only identify as dread makes the fire inside him start to fizzle out. He's not sure why there's a growing hole in his gut.

"You aren't going to like it, but we found him."

His mind jumps to the worse case scenario.

What could that mean? He can only think of a few situations in which knowing where Wu is would be a bad thing and none of them inspire confidence in him. It can't be _that_ bad. But, as he tries to calm himself down and rationalize the situation, he still feels his mouth dry out and he swallows with an audible click in his throat. "Why wouldn't we like that?" he asks hesitantly, because he's not entirely sure he wants to hear the answer.

And once he does hear it, he comes to the conclusion that his fear is more than justified. "Because, Kai," Skylor starts, now looking him directly in the eye, "he's dead"


	5. Helping Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry for the holdup on this fic I've honestly barely even had the time to exist lately

Kai would feel more odd within another person's household, in a corner of Ninjago that he'd rarely traveled through, but he can't imagine how he could be any more displaced than he already is.

Death is something he's had to deal with his whole life.

He knows it intimately, and though he's aware of the fact that the others are more or less the same, he still has a hard time shaking the fact that Lloyd is so _young_. Kai knows what it's like, having to deal with and fully comprehend death at a young age, but he just had the responsibility of looking after their business and his sister at the time. And even then, it was a lot more like he and Nya were going through it together. He was never alone in what he had to deal with.

Lloyd, on the other hand?

He's the Green Ninja, the chosen one, the leader of their team and the protector of Ninjago. The guy has enough on his shoulders as it is without having to endure the hardships of familial death.

And, yet, that's exactly what he's had to deal with countless times.

It hurts to know that this is something Kai can't protect Lloyd from. It isn't something he can fix by beating someone up or by completing a set objective.

The mansion-like building Skylor and her group are currently residing in is about as extravagant as he'd ever expect from someone like her. It's the exact type of aesthetic that her family's known for - warm reds and gold, incredibly spacious - he has to wonder if she'd had this place custom built for herself and how much say the others had in it. Or, if they became a team after she'd already moved in. He's been purposefully avoiding following what she's been doing, so he can't be sure.

None of them say anything as they wait in what looks like a training room combined with a living room - seriously, _weird_ \- for Skylor to gather her team and meet up with them. The tension of the situation is too thick and the sorrow is much too heavy. It's hard gauging how everyone's reacting.

Almost everyone.

He turns his head over to Lloyd, hating the look that seems now permanently etched onto the blonde's face. "Hey," he starts, and winces at how harshly Lloyd jumps. "How...how ya holdin' up?"

A few seconds pass, like Lloyd has to register in his mind what Kai's said, before he responds. "Fine. I'm fine."

Kai's heart starts to break.

"We're gonna find out who did this, alright?"

But, saying that doesn't seem to make Lloyd feel any better. He instead dons an even darker expression and stares at the floor.

He wants to press the issue, wants to say something to put Lloyd at ease one way or another, but he doesn't even get the chance to before the large doors open and Skylor makes her way in, a set of familiar faces following her. He's almost glad, actually. Mostly because he's not sure what he could possibly say to make the situation better. It feels impossible to find a silver lining, to think of anything good that could come of this, and he knows it's affecting Lloyd more than anyone else.

He's having a hard time processing his own grief just because of how focused he is on Lloyd's.

Nya's the first one to speak up once the doors close behind them, even before Skylor opens her mouth. "I'm surprised you all moved here. Housing isn't too easy to find in Ninjago City."

The girl with purple hair - Chamille, he thinks he remembers - laughs vaguely. "We've got our ways."

They're an odd type of crew to be hanging around each other.

Chamille and Toxikita - masters of Form and Poison respectively, if he recalls correctly - look much like they're going to a rave. Their almost neon outfits make him wonder if they've known each other from the beginning, since he thinks they looked the same during Chen's tournament. They're essentially textbook examples of not judging a book by its cover, since he knows from experience how formidable they really are.

Neuro's someone Kai remembers not liking very much. Then again, he's never been a big fan of people prying into his mind.

And it's hard to know what to make of Shade. The guy likes to keep to himself and never seemed much like a team player, so it's odd to imagine how Skylor would have managed to convince him to stay in one place and fight on a team.

Briefly, he wonders if he's focusing on this just to delay the inevitable, but he's too curious to let it go. "Been meaning to ask," he starts, and Skylor turns her attention to him. "How'd you all become a team?"

The smile she throws his way is one he recognizes, and he knows he's not going to get a straight answer before she even responds. "We've got our different reasons, but it's mostly survival. Strength in numbers, and all."

It's pretty fair to assume that Skylor would choose other Elemental Masters to stick around. They'd be her safest bet in terms of living out away from home, after all.

But, even considering all of that, Kai isn't prepared for what happens next.

Crossing the room, Chamille laughs and says, "You know _my_ reason," before leaning into Skylor and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

There's something weirdly meaningful about the gesture. Even the talking in the background - mostly the quiet conversation coming from Cole and Jay and the muffled muttering under Lloyd's breath - stalls completely as everyone's attention is drawn to the two. It looks at first like Skylor's going to protest, eyes darting cautiously back and forth between the ninja, but it's like she suddenly realizes that she doesn't _actually_ care about their opinion and shrugs with a small smile.

Brushing away some of Chamille's purple hair, Skylor stares with an amount of fondness that Kai doesn't remember ever seeing on her. _Not even to him._ The jealousy that strains his chest would probably be worse if he wasn't so preoccupied with feeling a million other things at once. He barely even listens as she gives Chamille's shoulder an affectionate squeeze and says, "Well, you're not subtle."

He'd thought that the death of his sensei would be the most shocking thing to happen today. The universe evidently loves proving him wrong.

"Are you two...a thing?"

The both of them turn to stare at him, Skylor being the first to speak. "That a problem?"

She may have meant for her words to come off as defensive and confident, like she's challenging him - the way Chamille is shooting daggers his direction makes it clear that _she_ definitely is - but there's something in the way that Skylor stares at him that _pleads_. It's like she's asking him to be alright with it, for the sake of their friendship.

And just how can he manage to say no to that?

He avoids tearing his eyes away but gives a small grin, not wanting to appear a threat but not wanting to back down, either. "N - Not at all. Just didn't expect it, I guess."

His words seem to relax the two of them by a small margin and, thankfully, no one else bothers to comment on it. Not even Cole, who's staring back and forth between the two girls as if a relationship like theirs is something he's never seen before in his life.

A more raspy voice cuts through the moment and Kai looks to Tox. Her thumb is pointed to both Skylor and Chamille as she lazily leans against the wall. "Those two started this," she states, then gives a shrug and turns away. "I just stuck around because of Chamille. Shadow, too, I guess."

It's just as Kai shifts his gaze over to both Shade and Neuro that he sees the former rolling his eyes, clearly not taking her jab at all seriously or personally. He vaguely remembers the two getting along extraordinarily well, despite the times they were forced to show hostility towards each other, and wonders if they knew each other even before the tournament. Shade, Chamille, and Toxikita all seemed before like a band of childhood friends who at the same time wouldn't hesitate to throw each other under the bus at the first opportunity.

Now, it's like there's a newfound air of camaraderie between them that stretches out even beyond the three. He wonders if that's thanks to the leadership of Skylor and feels a little bit of pride for her sake at the thought.

Kai raises an eyebrow at the remaining two he hasn't heard from - Shade and Neuro. "Yeah? And what about the both of you?"

They snap their heads to him in surprise. Then, they look to each other, and back at Kai.

He thinks that's a little...weird.

Even weirder is Tox snorting grossly and leaning forward with entertained interest. "Yeah! Shadow, tell them about the both of you!"

They stare at her like they're torn between strangling her and bolting out of the room, for some reason.

Kai's thankful that he's not the only one who's confused. He turns to the other ninja, who're all looking just as puzzled as him - save for Lloyd, of course, whose expression is more haunted and distracted than anything else even now - and Jay speaks up. "Woah, what's _that_ supposed to mean?"

Neuro is about to answer, but Shade avoids the question. "This is a little inappropriate to focus on, considering the circumstances."

The room temporarily falls silent after that.

The brief detour all of the familiar-yet-new faces has taken them might have been a purposeful distraction from the beginning. It's at least taken Kai's mind off of the issue at hand, off of the fact that _Wu is dead_ , for the time being. But he knows that it won't last, even if he pushes it further. And he takes another glance at Lloyd's forlorn face.

If not for Kai's own sake, do it for _him_.

"He's right. Aren't we getting just a tad off-topic?" Neuro nods in agreement, face relaxing like he's letting out a sigh of relief in his head. His expression shifts to one of concern and sympathy. Looking upon all of the ninja, it's clear he doesn't need to read their minds to see what they're doing. "I understand you're all mourning, but avoiding the subject isn't going to do much of anything."

Kai wants to be the one to ask the question, but Cole beats him to it.

"You...you only said he's dead," the Earth user starts, color drained from his face. "How do you know? What happened?"

Wincing briefly, Skylor gives them all an apologetic frown. "Sorry. I would've explained myself more when we were at your monastery, but I can't know who might be listening when we're out in the open like that," and Kai's flare of rage at her quickly subsides before she continues. "Stabbed. He was stabbed."

Hearing that is like a punch to the gut.

It's hard enough for him to imagine Wu dead. It's even harder to imagine Wu _murdered_.

This is practically hard proof, though. Full confirmation that it couldn't have been an accident or a result of unfortunate circumstances. It makes him feel sick - not the simple knowledge that his former mentor was killed, though that still sends his mind spinning and his head into an irrational daze - but more the fact that he actually feels somewhat happy. Maybe _happy_ isn't the right word. _Validated_. Like knowing there's someone out there to blame, knowing he can finally direct his pent-up aggression at someone, knowing exactly what he wants to do.

He wants to find out whoever killed Wu and personally take them out, no matter the cost.

Maybe then, Lloyd will stop _looking like that._

And maybe then, Kai will stop feeling so utterly useless for not being able to prevent something like this from happening.

He oddly feels worse about the fact that he couldn't do anything than about the simple fact that Wu is gone and won't be coming back, but he tries his hardest to chalk that up to him being emotionally confused about the entire ordeal.

"Stabbed?" he asks weakly, not even able to picture it in his mind.

She nods, a horrified glint crossing her eyes. It only occurs to him that she must have seen Wu's dead body in order to give this account. _Wu's dead body._ The idea of it on its own is disgusting, and Kai can barely put it into context himself. She clearly knows a lot more than she's elaborating on and he gets the feeling that she's leaving out the details for their sakes. "In the upper stomach area, looked like. Must've been a sword, or something. We dug him up some ways west of the city. Tox could smell him for miles, so we tracked the source down and..."

From the other end of the room, Tox purses her green lips and her crossed arms tense up like she's reliving the memory. " _Super_ gross."

Kai doesn't want to think about what that must've been like.

He knows what dead bodies smell like, how very distinct it is, and it's now something he has to associate with his sensei.

Instead of acknowledging how that's been ingrained into his mind, he clenches his fists and glares accusingly at Skylor. "And...you just left him there?"

She doesn't even get the chance to become defensive, because Chamille does it for her. "Oh, what are we gonna do, Kai? Bring a corpse into our own house?" she asks, and Kai immediately feels bad, not having thought his words through. It's a wonder she isn't more pissed off at him. He thinks it might be because she knows he's only lashing out, but he doesn't bother to ask. "We haven't told the police yet and no one goes down that backwards road unless they get way lost, so your master isn't going anywhere."

The fact that Wu's body is still out there, dug up from some hole in the middle of nowhere, makes Kai's head spin and his insides turn to a bile-ridden sludge.

What could it look like? He thinks of his master, unmoving and lifeless, with glazed over eyes and a gaping hole below his chest. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem like it could actually exist.

"T - Tell us more," he finds himself saying, voice breaking, and he clears his throat. Even as surprised and offended eyes shoot towards him, he speaks with confidence and determination. "About...what happened. Are there any more details? Something's got to point us in the right direction."

All except Skylor are looking at him like he's lost his mind. Maybe he has. Maybe she's the only one who really understands him on this level.

She levels a serious look at him. "Listen, I don't know much about these parts, but I have a hard time believing you'll get many leads by me just telling you what he looked like," shaking her head, she looks more lost and exhausted than he ever remembers seeing her. "Ninjago doesn't exactly have many serial killers and your little group's got more enemies than I can bother to count. It could be anyone. I wanted to tell you guys first as a courtesy, but I'm going to the police with this once we're done here."

Lloyd's bitter voice makes Kai jump. "As if _they'll_ do much good."

"They might not, but I can guarantee they're more experienced with this kind of thing than any of you," Skylor retorts back.

And though Lloyd doesn't seem at all convinced, he doesn't give any sort of reply. He only turns his head away and looks to the floor.

Kai's pleading only increases in its intensity after that. "Please, Skylor," he asks, and she looks at him with dread, because he doesn't think she was expecting him to be so vulnerable or so fixated on this to ask her with such fervor. "Just...tell me. Tell _us_. Any details, any at all. It might be pointless, but I want us to do what we can before getting any civilians involved. What if someone else gets hurt?"

Intense guilt runs through his veins.

That's not the reason he wants to know.

He's angry and confused and just wants someone to take it out on.

And the more he knows about what happened to Wu, the worse pain he'll inflict on whoever did it.

For a moment, it's like she experiences a million different emotions at once as she considers his request. She glares at him, then takes on an expression of sheer sorrow, then of pain, and it all finally disappears. It happens in a flash - so quickly that he doesn't have time to properly process it or comment on it - and her teammates all look to each other in hesitation. It's odd how the group of who Kai would consider relatively independent people are all letting someone else take the role of leader, but they stay purposefully silent as Skylor makes her decision.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, she closes her eyes and sighs heavily in defeat. "Alright," her arms cross and she nods. Though, of course, she doesn't look at all happy about it. Her voice is grim as she gives in. "Alright, fine."

A rush of adrenaline flows into him.

"Thank you," he responds simply.

"Before I start, anyone wanna leave the room?" she asks, eyes moving across the rest, even passing over her teammates. "I wouldn't blame you."


	6. Reason to Believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me @ me while writing this: Alright edgelord tone it back a bit
> 
> I hope like at least 1 other person is having as much fun reading this as I am writing it though

Lloyd had to excuse himself when Kai asked Skylor to explain to them the details of the body in a desperate search for clues, but he doesn't feel too bad about it because he wasn't the only one.

Neuro, Jay, and Tox had all left along with him. None of them were too interested in learning more about Wu's dead body, or about remembering it in vivid detail. He figures they all assume Kai will tell them anything important, should he find it.

Not that he will.

Tox looked the worst out of all of them, not surprisingly. She was the one who'd figured it out before anyone else and the revelation can't have been easy, regardless of the strong face she puts on all the time. Part of him wants to know her story, know how someone like her could ever hold in a team, why she looks at Chamille and at Skylor with something almost wistful and bitter, but he can't bring himself to talk to her no matter how much he wants to. He feels like she might be able to smell the blood still on him if he gets too close to her. The guilt that her traumatized expression inflicts on him is worse than anything she'd done to him during the tournament.

He leans up against the door.

Through it is Kai's muffled voice. "I want to see it," he says predictably. "The body."

Lloyd doesn't know why he's listening in on the conversation. Part curiosity. Part paranoia. _Mostly_ paranoia. He can't do anything about what he doesn't know, so he needs to know everything. Everything about what they're planning, everything about what he might be able to do to plan for it himself. But he wonders if he even needs to do that, because Kai's only said so far exactly what's been expected of him. He's going out of his way to gather information on the crime because he needs to solve it.

It's the only thing that will make Kai feel better. He has to solve the problem. At least in his head. Because it doesn't matter if he actually _does_ solve the problem, only that he feels like it's happened.

Cole's the first one to voice his disapproval, doing what he can to be the group's grounding force. "Dude, I think you're going a little too far."

Funny how that works. It's like Cole works best as a leader only when in the most dire of situations. He's irrational up until the point where everyone around him is irrational. Then, he somehow becomes the most level-headed guy on the planet. Kai definitely brings out the best in him. Their personalities are so similar and yet so different, complementing each other at the same time as when they clash.

"I'm not!" Kai lashes out and Lloyd doesn't need to see to know that they're probably in each other's faces right now. "What's wrong with going to the scene of the crime? Why are you so against trying to figure out who did this to Wu?"

Just as Cole's about to say something in response, Nya's voice cuts through the growing tension. "That's not what he's saying."

Someone else interjects just then, sounding like they're standing just across the room, and Lloyd recognizes it as Skylor's voice immediately. "Kai, I need you to be honest with me about something."

Lloyd...doesn't know if he likes Skylor.

She's an enigma. He has no ill will towards her, no grudge to hold onto, but the fact is that she's contributed a lot to the hurt that a lot of his family has experienced. And that's something he has a hard time just looking past. It's something he _can't_ look past. All the same, he knows that it wasn't entirely her fault that she'd gone along with the only thing that she'd been conditioned to know. That's definitely something he can relate to. It's just a complicated situation. He's forgiven, but he hasn't forgotten.

As a leader, he can't make any solid judgements, but he thinks she's doing more than a fine job. She's brought this group together, against all odds. She's smart with her words and actions. She thinks before she does anything, calculating and strong-willed.

That's why he empathizes with the concern that radiates from Kai's voice when he asks, "What is it?"

"When we find whoever did this to Wu, what are you going to do to them?"

Kai doesn't even hesitate.

"I'll kill them, that's what!"

Boiling bile crawls up Lloyd's stomach.

He's glad to not get much chance to react, because Cole's disbelieving tone interrupts the impending silence. "Listen to yourself, man."

It's not even unwarranted. Maybe Kai's not doing it for the right reasons, but Lloyd has to wonder how he'd feel if he weren't the one to kill Wu. If he'd just found out his mentor was murdered after disappearing without a trace when he'd still had his rose-colored glasses glued to his face, he's not sure he'd be reacting much differently. It's just a matter of circumstance, he supposes. He was able to smash them into tiny pieces while Kai's still got a pair on.

Kai has every right to want to get revenge. There's just a cold irony in his reasoning behind it and who his rage is directed toward.

There's the sound of a sigh that comes muffled through the cracked door and Lloyd doesn't try to peak in, just listens intently with his arms wrapped around himself and his eyes closed. "Look, I just - I don't _actually_ know what I'll do. I just said that because I'm _really_ \- " Kai cuts himself off and the others stay silent, letting him collect his thoughts. "We don't have any leads on who did it. But...you saw Lloyd, right? He hasn't been the same since we found out Wu disappeared and now it's only getting worse."

Ah, there it is.

There had to be a point where Lloyd's brought up eventually. He knows it's because Kai's been fixated on his deteriorating mental state and Lloyd suddenly regrets drinking around his best friend, regrets letting himself be that vulnerable around someone who'd end up taking this much action over it. How couldn't he see this coming?

Skylor asks calmly, "And you think finding out who did this yourself will make him feel any better? Will it make any of you feel better?"

There's another sigh, this one heavier than the last.

"It's the only thing I can do."

Lloyd thinks he's totally screwed himself over.

Well, he's known that from the get-go. He screwed himself over from the very moment he stabbed his master. From the moment he'd accepted those bottles from Mistaké, even. And it's only gotten worse with each action he's taken, the next being more incriminating and detrimental to his ultimate fate than the last. Now, because he's worried Kai to this degree, the guy's sworn revenge on the very person he's sworn to protect without knowing it. It's the type of thing that would happen in one of the comics Lloyd used to read all the time.

But where Fritz Donnegan might have to learn a life lesson about being honest with his friends with a grand story of him settling a planet's political disputes and becoming a recognized hero for the tenth time over, Lloyd's life has lost the same episodic nature he'd felt it once had and the veil's been pulled back without his consent. Maybe it's been like that for a long time and he's just refused to realize it. Closed his mind off to the idea that he's grown up and that this is a problem he has to deal with now that he's an adult.

That's not right. That doesn't make sense. He can't think that this is just part of growing up. His friends are all much older than him and he doesn't know how many of them have had to deal with being a cold-blooded murderer, if any. This isn't something that's _supposed_ to happen.

He's zoned out so hard that Skylor speaking again makes him jump, almost pushes him into the door he's been leaning against. How long have they been quiet?

It doesn't matter, he decides, because her words hit him in the head like a hammer coming down hard. "Going out when it's this late isn't going to do us much good," she explains, _and God_ , he hadn't even considered that as a possibility. He's glad it's off the table before he'd had the chance to freak out about it. "We should go see his body in the morning."

The morning.

Lloyd doesn't even have a day to prepare for when his newly fragile life ultimately comes crashing down.

"I'd expected you'd be in there with them."

The voice from behind Lloyd gives him a startled jump.

He knows it's Neuro, but turning and getting confirmation dries out his mouth. He rushes to respond, going with the same rehashed excuse he's been using on all of his friends recently. It's easy, since the man's looking at him almost like a concerned parent. "I'm just not up for talking right now."

As if expecting that sort of response, Neuro nods.

His eyes shift, first from the ajar door and then back over to Lloyd. "You've been out of it. More than the others, it seems."

Lloyd lets out a hissing breath through his teeth. "Yeah."

What must it be like to be Neuro?

In all honesty, Lloyd doesn't know what it would be like to work with the element of Mind. He can't imagine that he'd want to use it. It seems like a curse more than a blessing, being able to see into people's thoughts. He knows because he can barely handle his own thoughts, let alone what anyone else's might hide. People in their own little worlds are ugly and disgusting and terrifying. What does it take for Neuro to be so calm in prying through the worst of the worst? How long can you stay friends with someone when all of their secrets are laid bare to you?

He thinks Neuro can't be using his power all the time, or it'd drive him nuts. The simple prospect of it is already making Lloyd's head spin.

The man seems an odd sort of amused, as well as inquisitive. "You're the leader, but the red one's acting like _he_ is."

Lloyd resists the urge to roll his eyes. That's not entirely incorrect, but it's not the whole truth, either.

Now, don't get him wrong - Lloyd's normally the first person to call Kai out when it seems he's trying to place himself at the forefront of a situation that doesn't really require it of him - but that's not what's happening here. It's not the same as when Kai had thought he was destined to be the Green Ninja, nor is it like any of the other times that Kai's struggled with his narcissism. Kai's not doing it out of arrogance or self-importance, this time around. It's not about wanting to be leader in Lloyd's place or wanting to be the first to find who killed Wu out of a sense of pride.

Kai's hurting.

He's feeling his own pain and feeling what he's perceived as Lloyd's at the same time. That's not easy to deal with. Lloyd's still sensible enough to understand that.

And Lloyd's not being the leader he knows the rest of them need right now. Honestly, Kai has every right to take the initiative.

Part of him feels like he and his team are being psychoanalyzed right now, which is a little more than insulting and offensive. Coming from someone who manipulates the Mind, Lloyd's not sure that's such a surprise. But he's still not happy about it. "He's just...trying to look out for me," he explains, and it's true. Kai's protective nature is never something Lloyd has to lie about. "He's trying to look out for all of us. He knows I'm not really - not really handling this well."

Neuro's expression is troubled and his hands are folded behind his back, looking almost awkward. He seems to want to bring something up, but only slowly manages it after a moment of consideration. "Perhaps, if you'd like, I could be of assistance."

The question's out of Lloyd's mouth before he can even think about what Neuro might mean. "Huh?"

And the response isn't anything he knows how to react to. "My abilities," Neuro specifies, putting a finger to his head like it's supposed to help Lloyd understand what he's getting at. "I can get to the root of your problem, if you so wish, and help you work through - "

" _No_!"

An alarm gets set off in his head. He knows his eyes are wide as saucers, now.

Knowing for a fact that his exclamation was a bit too loud and a bit too forceful, he tries to relax himself and corrects his rejection to something a little more polite and appropriate. He crosses his arms, closing himself off and turning away. "No, I...no. Thank you, but I'd just like to be left alone."

It's a nice sentiment - one born out of a kindness Neuro's never shown any of the ninja before - but Lloyd can only sense danger.

Neuro would find out in a heartbeat. It's the only thing that Lloyd's been able to focus on since he did it, even if there _was_ some way around it. All the time, it's at the front of his thoughts, and he's surprised he's not broadcasting _I did it_ into Neuro's brain on repeat because that's definitely how it feels.

The logical part of him says that no one suspects he did it. Least of all, someone he's barely had a full conversation with before. But the rest of him feels like he's being so overtly obvious that it's painful. Like he's practically confessing with every action he takes, with everything that comes out of his mouth. He over-analyzes each of his moves and words and thinks that he's got to be acting so clearly suspicious that he wonders if everyone's just being willfully ignorant to the fact that he's guilty.

Does Kai actually suspect Lloyd, deep in his heart? What if he's just choosing not to acknowledge the possibility, denying it because he doesn't want it to be true?

The idea alone makes him momentarily disconnect from reality.

It doesn't last very long, Neuro's expression bringing him back to the ground. The man's looking a mix of concerned and skeptical. "You've been acting rather odd, Lloyd Garmadon."

He shoots a challenging look. "Have I?"

He's acting like a moron and he knows it.

More specifically, he's acting far too suspicious, far too much like he's got something to hide. Which, he does. But that doesn't give him the excuse to be so transparent about it. It's not as if he's normally this bad at lying. There's just something about this entire ordeal that's turned him into a wreck who can't keep it together long enough to pretend, and he's long since past the point of being able to get over murdering Wu, and he thinks that he's been making himself feel worse by letting Kai just do whatever he wants, and he can't _believe_ he's allowed the situation to get this dire, and - and -

And - _oh, no_.

Lloyd recognizes that look of concentration. He thinks he should've been paying more attention instead of losing himself in his own thoughts.

It happens so fast that it's almost laughable, Neuro's face contorting into appalled disbelief. And he knows what's happened before it even becomes apparent. _God, are you listening? It's Lloyd. I'm ready to die._ It's only a joke once he realizes he can't die, because if he does, he'll have to face Wu and his father in the afterlife. And there's absolutely zero chance that he'll willingly do that. Maybe he can strike some sort of deal with God so that he can get sent literally anywhere else other than the Departed Realm. But that's all hypothetical. And very unlikely.

"...What is this?" Neuro's voice comes through distorted and muffled over the ringing in Lloyd's ears, eyes wide and unmoving.

"I told you no."

"How is this possible?"

He's still shaking his head, but he can't back up anymore. His back hits the door and closes it. _Shit_. They definitely heard that. "I said I didn't need your help."

Finally, Neuro's able to snap himself out of his staggered and paralyzed state, bringing a hand to run it through his greyed hair. He averts his eyes, looking anywhere that isn't into Lloyd's eyes, like he's not even sure he can trust his own powers. It almost seems as if he's second guessing himself.

Voice thankfully still low, he levels a pleading look at Lloyd. "But, you," he starts, like he's asking Lloyd to say or think or do something to prove him wrong. "You... _killed_ \- "

He doesn't get to finish his sentence.

Lloyd has him dragged into a near room and pinned against the far wall before he realizes it.

He's seething - more like hyperventilating - jaw tense and shaking. Shaking he hopes comes off as anger and not the intense fear that's emptying his mind of rationality. It's common knowledge that you can still function, still register what's going on, a few seconds or even a minute after your head's been chopped off. That's at least what science has said. Not like there've been many accounts from those with firsthand experience. But that's what Lloyd feels like. A disconnected head. The ripple of death in his last few moments on the guillotine, his scattered eye movements.

"You really shouldn't go picking around in places you don't belong," is what he says at first, a low whisper that cracks and increases in volume as his panic reaches its peak. Fist tightening in Neuro's robes, Lloyd narrows his eyes and feels the man's pulse through his neck beat in rapid unison with his own. "You can't tell anyone," he leans in to emphasize his point, face just inches from Neuro's. "No one, get it? No one's gonna understand. Tell anyone and I'll kill you, too."

He's out of it and wild and thinks it's a good thing, in this case.

"I - I don't understand! _Why_ are you doing this? What's happened to you?"

What's happened to him?

That's a joke.

He looks around, hoping the yelling hasn't attracted any attention. The fact that he's not sure where the others have wandered off to makes him worried that there might be someone listening in. "Keep it down," he hisses, close enough to feel his own quickening breath bouncing off of Neuro's face. Leaning back, he pushes the man even more, crushing his chest to the point where it's clearly affecting his lungs. "Tell me you get it! I'll kill you if you tell my friends, do you understand?"

Neuro rushes to get out, "I get it. I get it!"

Relief washes over Lloyd as he drops the man to the ground.

For a moment, he stands there, lets Neuro collect himself as he shakes on his hands and knees. His hand is clutching his chest and he's coughing to the ground. He stays in that position more in shock than anything else and instead of standing, he moves himself to a sitting position against the wall and stares up at Lloyd. Shining in his eyes is confusion. Fear. Disgust. A small amount of understanding, but it's drowned out by a desire to escape. He's darting his gaze behind Lloyd and recognizes that he's trapped in the room's corner.

It hurts to see those survival instincts kicking in, knowing it's all Lloyd's fault.

Lloyd hates scaring people.

But he _really_ didn't want to have to kill Neuro.

He knows he sounds weak and afraid and unsure and not at all intimidating when he says, "Good."

* * *

Lloyd can't sleep.

He's not even sure why he tried.

Everything hurts within him, aching and pulling at every muscle to a burning exhaustion, and there's a fire in the back of his head because he knows he hasn't gotten much sleep and just _physically can't_ no matter how hard he tries.

_They'll find out._

All he can think about as he sits at Skylor's dinner table in the darkened kitchen is how they'll know in the morning.

They'll know how he killed Wu.

 _They'll find out._ It's an indistinct voice that's becoming clearer and clearer.

If Neuro doesn't tell them, Lloyd's sure he'll confess everything once they go see the body. He'll take one look at his dead master and drop to his knees and spill everything. And then he's not sure what he'll do. Even if he manages to steel himself through it - and it's an experience he knows he won't recover from, even if it happens - they're going to inform the police and Lloyd's no damn expert on cleaning up crime scenes. He thinks his DNA is bound to be on Wu, on the weapon that killed him. He thinks there've got to be traces of blood still left in the room where it all happened.

He'll be figured out one way or another. There are too many variables, too many pieces in play that he has no control over for him to feasibly be able to make it out of this unscathed and undetected. Sure, no one suspects him _now_ , but it's not going to stay that way.

 _They'll find out_ , and the tone sounds familiar.

 _"They'll find out."_ It shifts into his father's voice, of all things.

His father, who isn't here anymore.

He hears it in the back of his mind like a parasite he didn't even realized had crawled its way in. Too late now. It's here, numbing his brain, whispering into his ear.

God. _His father_.

His father, who's been in the Departed Realm this whole time, who's bound to know from beyond the grave what Lloyd's done. Looking upon him, judging him, the phantom eyes of his dad and his uncle burn into him and he can't breathe. He knows his hands are shaking even as they're folded on the wood in front of him. Does his dad blame him? Is there some way Wu's justified himself to where even the one person who's really understood Lloyd in his life would turn against him?

It couldn't be. His dad couldn't hate him. Lloyd could level a city, blow up a continent, kill all the world's leaders and his dad would still love him. He knows that. There's always the doubt when you have no way of being sure, though, even when you know something.

And his dad isn't wrong.

This version.

They _will_ find out. They'll all find out. It hasn't even been a week and everything's already falling apart. His mom knows. Someone who's practically a stranger knows, someone who's walking freely along this very house, and God - Lloyd should've just killed him. Should go find Neuro and kill him on the spot, should throw the body into the ocean and then leave Ninjago forever.

Where would that leave him?

Outlines of the kitchen counters appear as his eyes adjust to the darkness. His head is held in his hands, elbows propped on the table, shoulders tense. The clock ticks. "What am I supposed to do?" ticking along, each second seeming shorter than the last. "What am I supposed to do?"

Again, the voice rings in his head, echoing. "They'll find out."

He takes a deep breath and weighs his options. Blood pounds in his chest.

If he leaves Ninjago, he's not sure where he'd go. He could fake his death. He's not even sure he knows how to convincingly do that. He could disappear entirely, change his identity, forget about his friends and forget about his old life.

But, he'd be leaving behind his mom. His grieving mom. His mom, who's _never_ been there for him. Hanging and shaking his head, he whimpers dryly, hands slipping to the back of his neck. It doesn't matter how she acted, didn't act, whatever happened in the childhood that he's having a harder and harder time remembering as the years pass by. She's aware of what he's done and she's accepted him, the only one who he knows doesn't blame him, against all the odds. She'd be broken, if he left. He's all she has left.

Not that he feels like he's meant all that much, but it's a matter of losing everyone else that makes someone reevaluate who they've got remaining. And even though he's responsible for the fact that one of the few men she's loved is gone - blames himself for the other, no matter how she might feel, but that's not something to get into - he knows his mom and her devotion to him. It doesn't matter how blind it is. It doesn't matter if she did things she thought were for him that only ended up making his life worse.

He can't leave her. No matter how much she deserves it, he can't.

He's back at square one.

That's one pathway scribbled from the page, and he goes from being breathless to hyperventilating until he can get the words out. "I don't know what to do."

"They'll find out."

What if he takes her with him? Run away with his mother, but then what? He'd have no one else. He could start over with her somewhere else. It's not like she has much to lose, so he's hard-pressed thinking why she'd be against it, but the hard truth is that she just doesn't have that much time left. He'd be taking care of her on his own _and_ trying to run from his friends at the same time.

His friends.

They'd find him. They'd try to, at least.

And he wouldn't have any way of outrunning them. He'd have a hard enough time on his own, let alone with someone else. He knows Kai, knows on a deep level that determination that no one can escape from once Kai is focused on a goal. Is Kai going to kill him? Will Kai even know what to do when he finds out it was Lloyd?

He scratches his nails into the skin at the back of his head, roughly running through the tufts of hair. The others are harder to think about. He's already paranoid enough about what Nya thinks of him - always has been, though he's never allowed himself to acknowledge it past the nightmares and the panic attacks and the - _the_ \- and that somewhat also applies to Cole. Jay will hate him. Zane - _Zane_ \- Zane might not understand, or he might, and Lloyd doesn't know which would make him feel worse.

There's nothing he can do. There's nothing he can do. "There's nothing I can do."

 _Ticking_.

"They'll find out."

If he can't run, his only choice is to stay.

Stay and face the consequences.

Explain himself the best he can, maybe. They could understand if he tells them everything, but what's the solution? Does he turn himself in? Do they go about their lives, letting the Green Ninja go free a murderer, all unbeknownst to the public? Would his friends even allow that? He can't imagine they'd be comfortable sleeping under the same roof as someone who's shoved a katana through their sensei, no matter his justification. He could talk his mouth off trying to dig himself out of the trench he's in but he knows within himself that they'll never look at him the same.

He can't bear the idea of his brothers or sister looking at him like he's a monster. Even if they forgive him, even if they help him cover up his crime and let him continue being leader, in some ideal world, they'll still view him differently forever. He'll be branded in their minds as dangerous whether consciously or subconsciously. Doesn't matter which. It won't go away. He'll try until his dying day and it won't go away.

Hot tears sting his eyes and drip down his cheeks. He brings a hand to his mouth to stifle his cries and hiccups and sharp inhales, choking behind his wet fingers, "They can't."

"They'll find out."

"I can't let them."

"They'll find out."

"I won't let them."

"They'll find out."

" _They won't!_ "

Fists clench and come down hard on the table, a low thump in the darkness, and Lloyd forces air out through his teeth like his very essence is deflating.

Anxiety spikes within him as the sound sticks in his mind and he goes still and silent, just for a minute. His ears hone in on his surroundings, trying to pick up on the tiniest of sounds around him, ringing in his head gone dead quiet. He hears no shuffling, nothing to indicate he'd woken anyone or that he'd been heard. And he waits a little longer. Just to be sure. Just to allow his fear to subside. He listens to the sound of nothing and calms himself to the best of his ability.

The illusion of his father's voice is gone and it doesn't seem eager to come back.

Lloyd nods his head. Takes a deep breath.

Then, he gets up


	7. Cardiac Arrest

Even though Lloyd's not the best with katanas, he's even worse with scimitars.

It's just that he couldn't find much of anything lying around that would be able to cut through flesh and muscle tissue and bone joints other than a red scimitar. It feels heavy in one hand while his other carries a bag full of large cloth bandage.

The walk is surreal.

Like he's looking at himself from above and stringing his body along as if it's some sort of puppet.

He's not even sure how he's managed to sneak out without being noticed. Sure, he's more or less mastered stealth, but it's hard to explain how he could've made his way through a building he's relatively unfamiliar with while avoiding waking anyone up. All that on top of his perpetual hazy mental state, especially. It's like his hangover never really went away, like his current reality is just a set of residual confusion and heaviness and dream-like illusions from his black-out.

Lloyd's no expert on coping.

With...anything, really. Ever.

Dropping his bag and his oil lamp to the dirt, he stands above the open, makeshift grave he'd given his former mentor.

It should have just been an innocuous patch of dirt on a small hill, just on the outskirts of the city where just about no one travels. This direction is something of a much longer route to the Spirit Coves. No one goes over the mountains to get there, even if they want to avoid the small fee to cross the river. It's just not worth it. Which is exactly why Lloyd figured he'd have plenty of time before anyone even had the opportunity to find his sensei's body. But here the hole is, exposed and obvious to anyone even a mile away.

Skylor certainly hadn't been joking when she'd explained how they just left it there. He imagines none of them wanted to touch the body once they figured out what it was, as Wu still remains partially buried, half of his torso covered and at an odd angle. He looks as if they'd pulled him up by the arm and abruptly let go.

He may be unlucky. That, or destiny's turned its back on him.

He does his absolute damnedest to hide his crime and pretty much everything that could go wrong has, thus far, gone wrong.

It's not like he's necessarily been obvious about it, thinking about it logically. He feels he's been doing fairly well for someone with a very, very limited knowledge of death in general. But he wants to give some credit to Brad, who'd been utterly obsessed with serial killers and murder investigation television when they were kids and who'd talked his ear off about it despite how sick it had made him whenever he gave it all too much thought. Lloyd's glad he'd listened, even though he definitely didn't want to at the time.

Still, he's no expert.

But he thinks the universe should be laying off him for a bit.

He unzips his bag, pulling out the large roll of cloth bandage and tapping a finger over the sharp point at the scimitar's end. Then, he turns his eyes to meet the lifeless gaze belonging to the body.

Phrasing it in such a way makes him feel just slightly better. _The body_. It's a lot easier referring to it as that, rather than as Wu.

The rubber covering on the scimitar's hilt feels rough and unnatural as he grips it tighter.

 _God_.

He's really going to do this.

Killing Wu was something he'd thought of doing in passing - something he never believed would actually happen - right up to the point where it did. Like when your sibling has their back turned to you and you've got a knife in your hands and you just think about how you _could_ stab them. You wouldn't, but you could. And it doesn't make sense why that would pop into your head because you know you don't really want to go through with it. But, what happens when you _do_ go through with it, instead? How do people function when their intrusive thoughts become reality?

Say you're sitting on the edge of a building with your friend and you push them. Your mother's hand is digging through the garbage disposal and you flip the switch. These are things you _think_ , not things you do.

This should've been in the same category.

Him killing Wu shouldn't have happened, but it did. Him finding Wu's dead body and cutting it up shouldn't be happening right now, but it is.

The first step is the most awkward one - that is, removing his sensei's robe and wrapping it up on its own - leaving a bare, cold, rotting corpse on the dirty ground. He'd have burned them, but even way out here, he doesn't trust that he'd avoid drawing attention to himself. Not with his luck.

He tries to look at the body as if he's just cutting up a piece of meat, thinking it'll make him feel better, but it only makes the reality of what he's doing sink in more. Plus, he hasn't had much experience with cutting meat in the first place. He doesn't think it's supposed to be like this - muscles cold despite the air around him and tense and hard to run the blade through - and he's glad he brought so much cloth. Not because the body's bleeding anymore, but because he hadn't taken into account how many pieces he'd end up with.

The lifeless skin is freezing and rough and almost rubbery. It's a texture unlike one he's felt before.

He cuts at the joints in Wu's thighs and shoulder sockets, then his knees and elbows, and he's quickly left with just the torso and the head. He wants it to be clinical and instead it's disgusting and he's left covered in dark stains.

Droplets of water hit his head and he starts to panic. Rain _really_ wouldn't help him right now.

He might be some kind of idiot, or just really out of it, because he decides on slicing the torso in half just above the stomach. The scimitar hits the bottom rails of ribs and he has to messily navigate around them. It's far from a clean cut, but it'll have to do. He's not sure it would make a difference how careful he is about this anyway, since its opened lower half has its intestines slipping out onto the ground in brown tendrils. _Grody_.

Lloyd was never really planning on seeing this much of the inside of a human body anytime soon. Or ever, if he could help it. Thanks.

His muscles start to grow weak and sore and tired before he's started wrapping the individual pieces into semi-even white sections. Twirling layers upon layers, he feels a part of himself close up each time the last bit of red and pale skin disappear from view.

Until, finally, all that's left for him to erase is the head.

Wu's now disembodied head.

Lloyd stares, unblinking, hands at his sides. The flame from the lamp flickers in the edge of his vision.

Then, he reaches, fingers grasping at wrinkled and rough skin. He holds the head in his hands, cradles it, then brings it up to eye-level and looks into the sunken low gaze of his dead master. Excess blood and other fluids leak out of the neck and spill over the front of his robes, tainting the black and green further with a rusty crimson. His forehead pressed up against Wu's, he gives a huff of laughter.

"Can you see me from where you are? From the Departed Realm?" he whispers with his voice breaking like his throat is even drier than the heat engulfing him. He winces at the thought. "I sure hope not."

Wu doesn't respond. _Rude_.

But something about the way his eyes are still open, staring straight forward and back into Lloyd's, makes it feel almost purposeful.

He grits his teeth and listens to what faintly sounds like buzzing. "Stop looking at me like that," the words come out harsh and cracked. His hold becomes more fiercely tense and he stares, pleading. "I had no other choice. Are you trying to make me feel bad about it? Because I - "

The light goes out.

It happens so suddenly that he jumps and nearly drops the head back into his lap, but he holds it tightly to his chest before it can happen.

Having it there, pressed against his rapidly beating heart, gives him a twisted sense of calm and he looks down to make eye contact yet again. His voice comes out much less erratic this time around. Much more self-assured and confident. He's not sure where it's come from, but he doesn't care. He's too numb to care.

"I don't. I don't feel bad."

* * *

Lloyd doesn't remember ever seeing flies up this high before, and he doesn't know why they're sticking to the sides of his own face, completely ignoring the rotting head in his hands.

This part - the head - is the last piece.

He wasn't able to wrap it. Couldn't bring himself to. Couldn't cover those still-open eyes even when he tried.

In the distance, he sees the sun peaking over mountains and the chilly air stings his cheeks. The oil lantern has been shoved to the wayside by now, left buried and forgotten at the scene where he'd covered up the now otherwise empty hole. He knows he's taken too long. He may not know what time it is exactly, but the others have to be awake by this point, have to have noticed that he's missing. It's something he should be worrying about a lot more than he is, but it's so far in the back of his packed mind that he's left in a sort of tranquil stillness.

All he has to do is throw it off the edge and he'll be done with it. It'll be over. Everything will be lost to the sea, all connected by the same waters yet so far apart from each other that it won't matter. The evidence, not including what's leftover on his hands and neck and robes, not including the microscopic bits of the crime scene that still exist, will be thrown away for good.

So, why can't he bring himself to just do it?

He knows he wants to chuck the thing off the edge and forget about it for the rest of his life, forget about the fact that he'd killed someone, forget about Wu entirely. It's burned itself so deeply into his memory that he wishes he could take a brand to his brain and set fire to the whole thing so it's no longer recognizable. That being said, he _can't_.

It's stuck, glued to his fingers, whispering messages into his head that he can't ignore even when he shuts his eyes and tunes it out with the loud ringing in his ears.

He's shaking and it's not because of the cold.

"You're not so easy to track down."

Skylor.

Lloyd only opens his eyes.

 _Is she real?_ She has to be. He's not back to the point of hallucinating - doesn't think so, anyway.

Of all people, he can't say she was the first voice he'd thought to hear. He didn't even think he'd be found this quickly, despite her words, but she was possibly the fifth or sixth choice in terms of who he imagined would sneak up on him. Kai or Neuro would have to be tied for first with most of the rest of his team following, then Skylor. Maybe. But he supposes it makes sense in hindsight. She's smart and she knows him just well enough to not be blinded by any sentimental connection between the two of them. If anyone could figure it out, it would be her.

He at least expects to see her there once he turns around.

What he _doesn't_ expect to see is _everyone else_.

That's what finally snaps him back to his body. The realization that - _oh_ , everyone's here, everyone's looking at him, his blood-stained gi, his wide and baggy eyes, _the head in his hands_ \- he clutches it closer to him protectively like he's afraid one of them is going to steal it away. He must look like a complete maniac. He can't imagine what it has to be like from any of their perspectives, too busy shaking his head and gaping in horror, too busy reflecting their morbid disbelief back at them all.

The breeze picks up around him and he feels a shudder run through his whole body.

He chokes on his response and it's a near whisper in the wind, "How did you...?"

Kai - _oh, no_ \- is the only one who's even trying to keep a straight face. He's staring straight ahead and maintaining eye contact with Lloyd in a clearly purposeful manner. It's easy to tell it's purposeful, because he looks very much like he'd like to be directing his eyeline anywhere else.

"Hey, man," he starts, already seeming as if he's trying to placate Lloyd. "What'cha got there?"

Lloyd doesn't even have the chance to respond, if only because of how distracted he is by the rate at which Jay's face is losing blood. One hand clutching the front of his stomach and the other covering his mouth, Jay's eyes bug out in terrified revulsion. "You're - oh, God," he starts, head moving back and forth to look at Lloyd, then at Kai, and he sounds as if he's about to puke at any moment. "He's covered in blood. Dude, he's covered in blood."

 _Ah, that's it_. Part of Lloyd's brain goes numb again.

It's the exact expression he'd feared he would receive from all of them.

He rushes to assign blame in his head, needing to focus his energy onto one solitary thing so that he doesn't explode from how much he has to take in, from the fact that they know and that his attempts at covering up his crime have only made him more obvious. Then, he thinks about how they could have figured it all out, how their faces look shocked and petrified and yet partially _expectant_ , and he begins to piece together what must have happened. How they could have found him so quickly.

The part of him that's been searching for something to fixate his terror and hatred onto other than himself locks onto Neuro, who seems to cower at the sudden attention. "You told," he starts weakly, then lets out a breath and grits his teeth. "You told them."

Despite the fear evident in his eyes, Neuro doesn't back down, though he turns his head to the side and refuses to look at Lloyd. "What else was I supposed to do?"

 _Anything else_ , is what Lloyd wants to say in return, but the words catch in his throat. It was his fault for not taking care of the problem in the first place, after all. Because he was afraid of becoming a murderer a second time. Because he didn't want to.

Kai moves in front of Neuro defensively, like he's expecting Lloyd to attack at any moment, or at the very least like he's prepared for that possibility. "Lloyd, don't get mad at him for this," he says pointlessly. Because Lloyd doesn't think he was ever necessarily mad at Neuro. More mad at himself, which he'd for a short period of time directed at everyone else. Neuro just happened not to be an exception. "We're going to give you a chance to explain. Just tell us what happened. Tell us...tell us there's something we're missing here."

As if not at all understanding the concept, Lloyd stares in hopeless confusion. "Explain?"

"Explain it to us!" Nya yells at the top of her lungs, finally speaking up, sounding like she's been holding in all of her rage and hurt and like she's no longer able to.

Next to speak up is Cole. He seems a lot more downtrodden and exhausted than ready to lash out. It's like he doesn't want to believe it, like he wants Lloyd to tell him that it was all a lie somehow. "You'd better have something good," he says, though he can't manage to make it come off as a threat. It sounds more like a desperate request from someone who can't handle anymore heartache, who wouldn't be able to stomach it. "Come on, man. I'm counting on you to have something good."

He holds Wu's head to his chest, trying to help himself relax and think clearly. He doesn't consider how messed up it is that it helps.

What exactly are they expecting from him?

Maybe they think he'll say he didn't do it, that there's some hidden truth he just hasn't told anyone that he's been keeping a secret for - well, who knows what reason? But that doesn't sound like something he'd do. That sounds like something _Wu_ would do, actually. They might not be in the wrong for assuming there's a likelihood of that being the case. That's the way they've been conditioned, after all. He digs his fingers into the exposed scalp and it's a strange sort of soothing.

Lloyd glares at them, fixing his harshest look on Kai. "What difference does it make, whether I tell you or not?" he asks, laughing humorlessly with a cruel not-smile. "What can I say? It doesn't matter the reason I had. I still did it."

Looking over his other friends proves to be a mistake, and it's Zane's troubled face that really does him in.

"You really did it," Zane states, no emotion evident in his voice or his closed-off demeanor. He's staring into nothing, head downward, hugging his arms. "It was really you."

It shuts Lloyd up pretty quickly.

Thankfully, Kai rushes to speak before that can sink in too much, though what he says isn't much better. "Actually, I'm pretty sure the reason is basically what matters the most here. We won't be able to understand unless you just talk to us, Lloyd," he tries to get out as quickly and directly as he can. It's ridiculous. Like he thinks getting the answer will make him feel better at all, like it will fix everything, like it's the most important thing to be focusing on right now.

Stifled retching comes out of Lloyd's throat, a choked whine. Right then is when the tears start to fall.

"I can't," he knows he's hyperventilating and his tearful eyes are stinging in the wind, dripping onto the head in his hands. "Kai, I can't."

"Come back home with us. We can talk about this."

_Talk about it?_

Lloyd's eyes pass over the horrified faces of the rest of his friends - Nya with her hand over her mouth - Jay looking like he's going to puke - Tox covering her face with the front of her shirt - Skylor's eyes lined with dread and pity - Zane still looking as if something inside of him has broken - and it's all so overwhelming. "You wouldn't get it," he says in defiance. It comes off nearly accusatory and angry despite that being the last thing he feels. He swallows and repeats it, this time flat and pained, simultaneously crying his eyes out. "You wouldn't get it."

Kai doesn't miss a beat, somehow growing even more adamant. "You can't know that."

And he's shaking his head again, feeling even worse than before, looking down for the guidance that he knows he isn't going to get.

Then, like the oil lantern in the ground lighting up on its own, he finds his answer.

"No," he says, shifting his gaze back up to his friends and feeling more sure than he's felt in quite some time, "I _won't_ know it."

Before any of them can ask what he means, before they can even wonder, he's already taking two steps back and a third half-step.

Though he doesn't see them react in time, he hears it. He hears a cacophony of his friends yelling and screaming in alarm, briefly listens for shuffling grass as they rush over to him in vain. And then he's too far away from them for the sound to reach him.

He doesn't see his life flashing before his eyes. He sees the still river below him growing rapidly closer.

Everything goes dark even before he hits the water


	8. Cotard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONE work is a pain and I'm back on this bullshit again.

Lloyd doesn't know how long he feels nothing.

He doesn't have the chance to wonder if this is what death is supposed to be - a sea of darkness, rendered unable to think or to dream or to acknowledge the concept of time, if it even exists in this state - but he thinks in retrospect that he wouldn't mind that to the alternative.

He doesn't even want to think about the alternative.

Too many sensations register in his mind at once.

All that hints to what happened being real is how heavy his clothes are and how they're sticking to his skin, leaving him to feel as if he's swimming in them.  He immediately notices how cold he is and it's only then that he starts shivering, freezing sweat mixing with the saltwater and the blood. He can still feel it underneath his fingernails from when he dug them into his old mentor’s head and - well, _that's_ not something he wants to spend too much time thinking about right now.

It occurs to him all at once that he's _not_ dead.

He's never once dreaded light until now.

A mix of voices blend together in the background of his thoughts and he doesn't try to distinguish them from one another, deciding to let each one pass by his ears without a care. Instead, he tries to focus on the wooden floorboards beneath him as he blinks away the blurriness in his eyes.

“He's awake.”

Like being violently jolted awake, Lloyd’s eyes snap open.

It quickly becomes apparent what kind of situation he's in. On top of being _not dead_ , he's tied tightly to a pillar in one of the monastery’s empty rooms and the scimitar he’d almost forgotten about in the midst of all the chaos has been removed from his side. He thinks he recalls Nya talking about using this place in particular for a meeting area, but she never got the chance to fully put it together. He supposes with a bitter irony that it's being used for that exact purpose now, in a sense. He tries to look behind him, but the ropes dig into his chest whenever he tries to move and he’s inexplicably sore enough as it is, so he keeps himself still.

The next thing he notices is the amount of distance between him and the other three, though it takes a moment for his vision to adjust and make them out.

Cole, Kai, and Skylor all seemed to have been talking among themselves across the room up until the point when they'd noticed him waking up. It registers in his mind that it was Cole who’d vocalized it and brought it to the attention of the other two, his stare holding much more scrutiny and intensity than Lloyd’s ever seen.

A strange mix of relief and anger push adrenaline through his veins and he narrows his eyes at them, deciding to be the one to break the tense silence. "I could easily get out of this if I wanted to."

He’s not surprised when they don’t react very well to that.

Kai’s the first to approach him. There’s hesitance in his movements, but not nearly to the extent of the other two. He locks eyes with Lloyd and doesn’t back down.

This, in turn, gives the other two a bit more confidence. It’s both annoying and heartbreaking to see them treat him like a wild animal. The freezing air around Lloyd puts him in an oddly sobering state and he briefly looks back on his recent actions with new eyes, wondering just how he’d let himself get so far gone so quickly, the events blending together in a mess of indistinguishable colors. It’s like he’d been a completely different person, or like someone possessed him. Of course, he knows that’s not the case. He knows it was him and remembers just how he’d convinced himself that what he did was right.

It was all like he’d had a fever dream and, now that he’s awake, he’s just been informed that he was sleepwalking the whole time. Something to that effect, at least.

The one who spits out a sharp response is Cole, his arms still crossed like he’s trying to shield himself. "You're not earning yourself any points by saying that."

Still approaching Lloyd is Kai, who’s somehow become less hostile with Cole’s words, as if the situation at hand is only tiring him out. He quickly rushes to explain in possibly the calmest voice he’s had up until now. "It's mostly so we can make everyone feel a bit safer while you're here."

Lloyd doesn’t like hearing that. He’s not a threat to anyone here. At the very least, he doesn’t believe he is.

"Why am I alive?" is the question he ends up asking.

Before either of the other two can respond with something scathing or hurtful or reprimanding, Kai jumps to reply. "Nya saved you," he raises an eyebrow and awkwardly looks off to the side. "Won't do much good for you to explain if you're - y'know, if you're dead."

"Just what do I have to explain?"

That makes Cole lose it.

"Oh, I don't know," he starts mockingly, glaring with hate and hurt as if he doesn’t know which one he’s supposed to be feeling. "Maybe the fact that you _murdered_ Master Wu, or the fact that you jumped off a cliff, or the fact that - "

"Cole, that's enough," Kai says, putting a hand on the Earth Ninja’s shoulder.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t do much to calm Cole down, and he roughly shrugs it off. "Why are you so fucking calm about this, man?" he demands, shifting his eyes and directing his anger toward Kai. "You were the one who wanted to kill Wu's murderer!"

Though he has a point, Kai doesn’t acknowledge it, keeping his voice steady and logical in a way that Lloyd never even knew he could. "We're not going to get any answers if we don't hear Lloyd out."

Lloyd clenches his fists and stubbornly lashes out. "What if I don't _want_ to explain myself?"

For just a moment, that leaves them all stunned, though Kai’s the only one who isn’t staring holes into his head as if it has a chance of killing him.

Kai decides to get even closer to Lloyd, kneeling down in front of him before sitting on the floor and bringing the both of them to the same eye level. The way Kai darts his eyes to the other two makes it seem as if he’s trying to make sure they don’t do anything that’d put Lloyd in danger, though it’s hard to identify why.

It’s hard to understand _any_ of Kai’s actions right now, actually, and that’s not only because Lloyd just attempted to kill himself in front of every one of his friends - his _family_ \- and ultimately failed. Cole was right in saying the Fire Ninja had been the one most eager to find and put an end to whoever killed Wu, but the fact that it ended up being Lloyd seems to have put out that desire within him. The closest eyes trained on Lloyd are distrustful, but they aren’t hateful. They’re confused and wide and searching for any semblance of understanding.

"...You're not leaving us with a lot of options if you act like this,” Kai says quietly. It’s a warning, but a gentle one, and it throws Lloyd into an immediate panic.

His heart beats in his throat as he asks, "And just what options am I leaving you with?"

Letting out a hissing breath through his teeth, Kai smiles and leans forward, one arm lazily lying atop his crossed legs. He gives a shrug that’s far too casual to be natural. "Come on, I can't be the reasonable one here. You know I'm no good at that."

"Kill me, then!" Lloyd spits out.

Dead silence once again follows.

Both Skylor and Cole are looking at each other, expressions incredulous and horrified. Even the fake lightheartedness from Kai's face disappears despite him trying to remain unaffected.

"I'm...not going to do that," he runs a hand through his hair and averts his eyes, looking like he'd rather be just about anywhere else in the world right now. "Seriously. What happened, man? Just talk to me. I can't guarantee I'll understand, but I definitely won't be able to if you keep this up.”

Lloyd just about wants to cry after hearing that.

He doesn’t have the chance to, though. Skylor steps forward and yells down to him like she’s scolding a petulant child. "You're lucky we never contacted the police first time we saw the body!" the way she speaks sounds a lot like a threat, like she’s still considering turning him in even now. "You'd be locked up for real! You know that, right?"

Kai pinches the bridge of his nose and gives her a look that pretty clearly says she's _not helping_.

"I don't care if you want me locked up," Lloyd responds. His voice lowers and he laughs bitterly to himself, continuing without speaking to anyone in particular except perhaps himself. "Thought you weren't supposed to get punished for self-defense cases. What's the world coming to?"

The sound of fingers snapping surprise Lloyd and he looks back up to see Kai’s eyes trained on him with a different expression.

Kai looks just like if a light bulb lit up in his head, like the pieces of a puzzle are suddenly starting to fit together. He puts a hand to his mouth, analyzing the words he’d just heard in his head carefully. "See, we're getting somewhere with that," he starts with the corner of his mouth twitching upward, but it contorts back to a frown once he looks back at the other two. Kai waves as if trying to dismiss them. "You guys mind leaving us alone for a bit? I wanna talk just to Lloyd."

They both swiftly turn their heads to him and their eyebrows shoot up in unison.

Sounding only worried now, Cole frowns and asks, "You sure about that?"

It hurts how none of that worry is directed toward Lloyd’s well being, but he decides in his increasing self-hatred that it’s what he deserves.

With one look back at the now downcast Lloyd, Kai gives it just a moment of consideration before answering.

"Think I'll be alright."

Skylor pulls the both of them to the door. She doesn’t seem all too eager to leave, either, but the trust she’d built with Kai seems to overpower her apprehension.

"If you say so. Call us if anything...goes wrong," she says, giving one last fleeting look to Lloyd. He hates that he can see it in his periphery, the way she’d so clearly seen him as a stranger.

Kai and Lloyd devolve into what can only be considered a staring contest once they’re left alone.

The tension is almost unbearable and Lloyd wishes he could focus on much of anything outside of how awful he feels physically and emotionally. His joints are in pain even though he can’t really move them and the weight of Kai’s intense observation sits heavy on his shoulders. If he’s not careful, he knows he’ll break down and confess everything, and that he’ll be back to square one. He’ll forfeit the smallest bit of control that he still feels he has left and, for some reason, he can’t bring himself to let that happen. There’s a need in the pit of his stomach to not give in.

Lloyd channels that need into aggression.

"You really wanna be in a room alone with me?" he asks, not sounding nearly as threatening as he’d like to.

In response, Kai gives an exaggerated shrug and eyes his leader up and down, looking the same exact way as he does when he assesses an opponent before a fight. "I don't think you wanna hurt me, man," he says in an almost accusatory tone. It sounds a lot like he’s taunting Lloyd. Like he’s calling his bluff, or daring him to make a move and put his words into action. The way he acts as if he can see right through the Green Ninja is aggravating to no end even as Kai tries to be compassionate and sympathetic. "I don't really think you wanna hurt anyone. Tell me about what happened with Wu. You said it was self-defense, but - "

Lloyd cuts him off.

"You wanna know something?" he asks, voice raising as he finally starts to feel himself slipping away again. "I don't feel bad! I don't feel bad about killing him, because now, I get it!"

The outburst makes Kai clamp his mouth shut.

His voice is flat and completely lost, Lloyd having left him dumbfounded. "I...what? What do you get?"

None of this deters Lloyd from continuing on with his tangent. He wrestles in futility against the restraints, far too tired to make any real effort to escape and knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to do it with the state he’s in. "I can't believe I never saw it before now. He never cared. He acted like he cared, but he never cared," the words come out venomous and spiteful, Lloyd’s eyes alternating between pure anguish and hatred and what looks like desperate pleading, though only the last is really directed towards Kai. "Not about me. Not about you. Not about us."

"H - How could you say that, Lloyd? He cared about us. Wu always cared about us. He's always tried to help us, always tried to bring us together and support us every step of the way," Kai insists, the sheer disbelief evident as he shakes his head. "He's our family!"

 _Your family_ , he wants to say, but doesn’t.

"Shit, look at how delusional you are.”

That makes Kai wince. He very rarely ears Lloyd curse and it hits his ears like a slap in the face. On top of that, Lloyd's eyes are wild and glowing a bright, sickly green. He's never looked like the type of person who could manage to kill until this very moment.

Then, Lloyd lets out a shaky breath and reverts to a scared boy, the tension in his shoulders disappearing. "He tried to kill me, Kai."

Kai suddenly feels like the air’s just been knocked out of him.

"...Oh," is all he can bring himself to say.

And the truth quickly begins to spill out.

Tears threaten to spill from the edges of Lloyd’s eyes as he starts with a simple mission from Mistaké, then they disappear in his angry recounting of what’d happened when the deed was done. He seems to go back and forth between taking all the blame and placing the blame solely onto Wu, like he doesn’t know which he believes to be the truth, and Kai keeps his mouth shut all the while. The story continues into the following days and it’s hard not to empathize with the agonizing guilt that must’ve been plaguing the Green Ninja lately.

Things fall into place and Lloyd’s recent actions and reactions start to make a lot more sense.

Lloyd goes into disturbing detail about what exactly he’d done just the night before and what led him to it. It all sends a wave of nausea through Kai that he’s not entirely sure is going to fully disappear for quite some time and he has to put a hand up in the middle of the explanation to stop it. Lloyd complies. Kai definitely gets the idea.

It's too much to process. Kai doesn't know what to feel.

"You know what this was?" Lloyd asks no one, resentful and petty like he’s insulting the Wu that exists beyond the grave. "A wake-up call. He's always been like this. He's always been willing to sacrifice us - our happiness, our _lives_ \- for what he believes in. For what he thinks is the greater good. Maybe it would've worked, maybe it could've saved us in the long run, but he didn't give me a choice. He just did whatever he wanted and used me for it, just like he always does. Something this stupid really made me realize it. Isn't that sad?"

For the first time, Kai starts to feel anger on Lloyd's behalf.

He knows it’s a complicated situation and that there’s no right answer in sight for any of them - Lloyd, especially - but he also understands in the back of his mind that Lloyd’s technically still _years_ younger than all of the rest of them. It’s the first time he’s really taken that into account when combined with the complicated situation and he recognizes the confused and frightened child in front of him. The pressure put on the guy’s always been immense, but in Kai’s opinion, he’s surprised something like this hadn’t happened sooner.

It’s not every day that you have the epiphany of _we’ve all been leaning on a kid for everything_ , but Kai’s had a lot of firsts in a very short period of time.

Finally, he speaks, but he can only bring himself to say the bare minimum. "He didn't have the right."

Better words exist for this, but he just can’t find them.

Then, like a switch being flipped in his brain, Lloyd notices the gears turning in Kai’s head and the Red Ninja’s rapidly spiraling mental state regarding the whole issue and he rushes to compose himself. "Well, I won't pretend I had the right to kill him," he says, sounding the most rational that he has in days. He still doesn’t seem in the best state of mind, but his pretending is a lot more convincing than it probably should be. "I might've been able to stop him some other way, but I chose not to. And I don't feel bad about it."

There’s just the slightest bit of real humor when Kai snorts and gives a wry smile. "Even if that's true, you really shouldn't say that to everyone else."

"As if everyone else is gonna hear me out."

Hearing that puts that determined look back on Kai’s face.

Something about it is different, though. It’s not tainted by doubt or uncertainty anymore. "They will. I'll make sure of it," he affirms, then puts his hand on Lloyd’s arm. He does so even as the Green Ninja instinctively flinches and the touch is comforting enough to bring the pressure in the room down to a more manageable state. "Lloyd, this is a lot to take in. Just let me think about it. Let me talk to the others. We'll figure something out, okay?"

With that, Kai stands up.

Lloyd watches his friend make his way to the room’s only exit and can’t help himself when his first thought comes to mind. "Don't you know that once you leave, there's nothing stopping me from escaping?"

That only makes Kai stop for a moment and he looks back to lock eyes with Lloyd.

"I know," he says. "I'm trusting you not to."

Not waiting for a response, whether verbal or nonverbal, Kai turns away and closes the door behind him as he exits the room.


End file.
